I didn’t complete the Colorado Trail this yr.
A couple of months back I located myself unexpectedly in Durango and wound up at the southern terminus of the CT. A indicator that I could not make it to this earlier August, at minimum not in the way I had envisioned.
As I stood at the signal, quite a few thoughts rolled by means of me disappointment, disappointment, pleasure and pleasure.
Disappointment that anything I labored so tricky for did not end up the way I experienced hoped. Sadness for what could have been as I was finally locating my stride on trail. Enjoyment for future summer’s journey and the possibility to appear again and finish. Very pleased for producing a complicated decision and for performing through the emotions after likely dwelling.
An emotional rollercoaster because August
I preserve considering again to a text from a friend of mine who had gotten ahead on trail (@trailsofdanindy) that said, “If I did not have 70 miles still left, I wouldn’t be out right here correct now.” On the times that I’m battling I attempt to remind myself how I felt in the moments of Dan’s updates. The images of snow up to his knees and tales of putting frozen shoes on in the early morning and the word sketchy describing numerous substantial mountain passes.
I imagine prolonged distance backpackers are drawn to that bittersweet torment of lifestyle. The moments of grit exactly where the ordinary human being would bow out, we forge in advance. Perhaps that’s what can make this defeat sting a bit further. The reality that I experienced to make a conclusion based on safety and not dependent on psychological fortitude.
I’ve talked with pals, coworkers and my therapist about why this feels like a failure and not a grand accomplishment. Maybe it’s rooted in not understanding how to really be proud of myself, a little something I by no means realized as a younger adult. Or maybe it is for the reason that of social media and the stigma of not finishing a lengthy path. Regardless of what is causing this psychological block the answer is someplace amongst the ridges of the mountains I climbed and descended, waiting around for me to locate it.
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